June 2018 – Ipunk Lee
"It is not that I am anti social, I just don't know how to be social."
You know that the more you read the more knowledge you get. In this era, very easy and convenient to learn new thing, can use google search or other search engine, or you can use youtube for video. It is amazing, right? With cellphone, the world can be in your finger tips. SAD, or Social Anxiety Disorder....really??? I could not believe that the term exist,but then I read more and more article about people who are overly shy or feel tortured from being in party or any gathering. And then I got to conclusion that I think I have SAD, it is so matched with my description.
My hubby like to socialize, and of course I wanna be supportive to him, so I go with him sometimes. I don't wanna embarrass him at party, so I forced my self to get in people conversation, it's not easy. I wished I could be like many people, be light at the party, laugh and joke about silly stupid thing. I can't, it is just not me. One by one left the conversation and move to another group, I'd be left alone and clueless what to do, hoping that there's one like me, come to me and start conversation. Sometime happened, many times not. So what I do usually in that situation is to get drink (non alcohol of course) then sampling more snacks, but that has limit, I don't want people see me as a pig....ewww.
It is not easy to have SAD, people don't realize it. Back when I was kid, I remember the feeling being so different with others, my friends at kindergarten school would be laughing cheering playing game together. Me, I would sit in corner counting seconds hoping time moved much faster so we all could go home. I never enjoyed being at school, always wished to finish it soon, but that's seemed to never ended. Started from kindergarten, then elementary, middle and high school, then university, college and more university, it all like tortured chambers.
I am good looking enough, always stay that way since little. But my look does not really help with my SAD, it does in some way like when I had to do presentation at school, or sing in front of villagers or for some karaoke competition (never won by the way). One good thing though it what helped me to get a great grade at school. Books were my escape, library was like good retreat for me when in school. I could be there by myself, either pretending reading something or really trying to gain certain knowledge. I wished smartphone was discovered and affordable when I was in school, surely it would help me to connect the world outside school, find friend with similar situation.
I do have smartphone now..... come on, it is 2018. Everyone must have it, right!! I have been using smartphone in the last 12 years I'll say. But the problem still exists, I still struggle with being around people. I don't have many friends, only one that I can talk on the phone for hours. I have some friends on FB or Instagram, but I dont feel they are really close friend, not like Celena. I don't know why we can talk for hours. I wanna have more friends that can talk about something or nothing. It is not that I am anti social, I just don't know how to be social.
So, for any Gay men who are shy, or with SAD (Social Anxiety Disorder) like me, maybe we can do activity together , maybe because we have similar thing, we can bring positive attitude and be social to each other. Just like math theory: minus time minus equals plus. LET'S MEET UP, who knows we can do some fun together (hiking, camping, biking, traveling in US or abroad, watching movie at theater and discuss it over snack bar, or exchanging healthy lifestyle). You can reach me on my social media, or contact me using contact form in this website.